


Enough Slobber and Gush

by voleuse



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-17
Updated: 2007-12-17
Packaged: 2017-10-04 03:30:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voleuse/pseuds/voleuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Quit kissing beneath my window.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Enough Slobber and Gush

**Author's Note:**

> Futurefic, no spoilers. Title and summary adapted from Deborah Landau's _To the Couple Lingering on the Doorstep_.

And somehow it happened that Barney was left in the taxi with Ted's new girlfriend, whose name he couldn't remember, but he certainly wasn't going to call her, "The Future Mrs. Ted Moseby," as Ted had taken to calling her.

_God_, Ted was an idiot sometimes.

She smiled at him, so sweetly it made Barney want to stab himself repeatedly with a soup tureen and tell Lily's students he was assaulted by the Cookie Monster. Barney slid his arm across the back of the seat. She did have a spectacular set of...earrings. "Who ever thought architects could get paged after--"

"If you think this is going to go to some weird, HBO documentary sort of place," she interrupted, "I'm going to have to destroy you."

"--midnight," Barney choked. "What?"

"I'm going to have to destroy you," she repeated, each consonant enunciated exactly. "Preferably with a blunt kitchen instrument, but I'm not picky when it comes to weapons."

Barney leaned forward, but the cab driver was arguing with Dr. Laura. No help there. He turned back to Ted's new girlfriend and tried Smile #22: _I'm innocent and you want to nurture me, but in a sponge bath sort of way._

Ted's new girlfriend raised her eyebrows.

Barney recalibrated his grin and tried again. "_What_?"

Ted's new girlfriend burst into laughter, and Barney hit the second speed-dial on his phone.

Ted picked up on the second ring. "Barney, what is it?" A fax machine whined in the background and, faintly, somebody was arguing about foliage.

"Ted," Barney said, huddling against the door to muffle his voice, "I think your new girlfriend has secret, evil powers."

"Secret, evil powers?"

Barney shot a glance over his shoulder. She was counting out money for the cab. "She didn't respond to Smile #22."

There was a pause. "I'm overworked and emotionally overcome, and I could use a foot massage, which maybe I'll repay later in a dirty way?"

"No," Barney hissed, "that's fourteen. Twenty-two is the sponge bath one."

"Oh. Okay." Then Ted hung up.

Ted's new girlfriend tapped Barney on the shoulder, and he managed not to shriek. "It's still early. Do you want to get a beer or something?"

Barney cleared his throat. "Maybe."

"My treat," she offered.

Barney considered the offer, then extended his hand. "We are going to be great friends, you and I."

She eyed his palm without taking it. "Do you even know what my name is?"

"...let's make it my treat."

"Sounds good to me."


End file.
